The Waiting Game

Wow.... it's been awhile. I guess that's what happens when life takes a hold of you sometimes it becomes difficult to release the grasp, but eventually we either have to let go and hand it over to someone greater to find ourselves again. 

Easter has come and He is Risen from the Dead! What a great way to celebrate the Easter season than by being reminded that no matter what hardships and struggles or blessings come our way. Even after He died on the cross Christ was still in control of everything. Never once has He given up or wavered in His unfailing love for us...sinners.

With those thoughts in mind, last week I came across the following Bible verse in Exodus that really reminded me about the importance of living for what we not only believe in, but the values we want to uphold for ourselves, our family, and most importantly our relationship with God. 

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace"-- Exodus 14:14

How amazing is He... He loves me so much he fights for me!!! He fights for my children, my family, everything! All I have to do is be still and at peace--- hand over the pen and let Him be in control. Shouldn't I do the same for Him? How could I ever repay someone who has laid His own life down for me? I know I won't ever be able to come close to what He did for me, but even in the midst of waiting I can still do my best to live a life trusting in Him, loving Him, praying that I can live a life worthy of what He wants for me. 

How easy that is some days and how difficult it can be other days. Yet, I know He loves me and He will always give me what  need and the resources to handle what comes my way, but there are so many days I wish I didn't have to go at it alone and that I had someone to help ease the battles, tension, and stress or celebrate in the joys, holidays, birthdays, and every day blessings of life. For now I don't have that special someone- and maybe one day I will... but at the same time trusting in Him also means knowing it may never happen, and I'm okay with that because I know what He gives me is His will for me. At the same time I do my best to live out my life in a way that if God were to choose today to bless me with that "special someone" that I know I have made the conscious decision to be faithful, remain faithful, and live life worthy of honoring that person. After all, he is someone I pray for daily, pray to be a good husband, father, willing to be a partner in the day to day joys of life. Not someone who is seeking someone to fill a void, meet a spontaneous need to fill the time, or search around for the next best thing with the going gets tough. 

I know I am different and I know I have chosen a different route than others- I know this route is harder and can be much harder--- it's not for the faint of heart, it's not for everyone, but already through my own personal experience there are so many blessings I have been provided along the way. The best came on Easter when my oldest revealed to me a conversation she had recently had with some of her friends. She told me that her friends and her had been talking about boys and dating... and how even without boys and dating one can still be the happiest person in life- after all her mother (me) has taken the path she has been given, even after breaking up with someone and used it to draw closer to God and to find happiness in what she (I) has been given, instead of dwelling on what is lost. While that comes know where close to the heartfelt tears I felt Sunday morning-- hearing her realize how my decision has greatly impacted her and her own life helped reconfirm that this is the right path for me and them at this moment. 

No I am not perfect. Yes I have faulted along the way- each week, each day, each moment. But I have atoned for my sins, sought out forgiveness and continue to love as He loves me from the moment He died on the cross. And I hope that one day, if I am granted that one blessing--- that my husband will come to know how special and cherished he is to me even before we met. That I have chosen to live a life to make him proud and to realize how much of my heart already belongs to him-- until then God will continue to lead the way and show me the rightful path. For I live my life to serve Him first, my family, and my children... waiting is all just part of the course. Part of His plan for all of us.... isn't that what John Waller sings about in his song "While I'm Waiting"?

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord

Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

Are We Thoughtful or Thoughtless?

When we try to take control of our own lives and the lives of those around us.. we slowly set ourselves up to lose control of everything we have worked so hard to attain. It is only after we lose control of ourselves, our relationships, and what we have worked so hard to accomplish and create that we realize how important it is to give it all up to God...Place it in God's Hands... For His Will be done. 

Even the things we love and desire the most, the relationships we long for... our not ours to control. I really feel like God uses moments like these to help remind us of who we really need to trust things over too. To hand over the pen of our wants, desires, riches, and needs back to Him. For who better to ultimately love us more than any person on Earth or material possessions we could own... than Christ himself. 



When we begin a new relationship with a friend or significant other we get caught up in wanting to be thoughtful and attentive to their needs. We place our own needs aside naturally to listen to what they have to say and to communicate clearly. It all comes naturally. However, over time life catches up to us and we are quick to reign in our wants and desires. In addition we also begin to fall victim to thoughtlessness. Instead of thinking what we can do to better our relationships and to continue the open lines of communication we begin to all our selfishness to take place. 

I am so guilty of this. As a woman I expect to have others, be able to read my mind, pick up on the clues, and know what precise thoughts are going through my brain at that very moment. These actions lure me into the silent enemy of thoughtlessness within my relationships. I have a strong desire to want to control everything and the exact moment things happen. No I don't want to be god... but I want to have the "Who, what's, where's, when's, and how's" all planned out- in every scenario, so that when it does happen I'll be ready. And yet, every now and then life throws us a curve ball. I don't know if it's God's decision or our decision to act on our free will... but sometimes things happen (by our own doing or others) that we can't control. Any in the process of trying to control what is falling down around us on all sides we lose sight of what ultimately matters. Handing it all over to God for his timing and His doing. After all who better to have things planned out for us than Him. Who better to be more thoughtful in meeting our own desires than our own loving God. But when we step up to the plate to take care of our own needs, God sometimes has to step back- while we sort it out. Thus in turn slowing down or halting His own thoughtful plans for us. 

"Love requires thoughtfulness on both sides and teaches you to meet in the middle; together both parties need to respect and appreciate how each other uniquely thinks and feels". 

-- Fireproof

Which is why it is in those moments of reckless driving we need to pull over and stop and meet Christ in the middle. We don't have to live life and make life's major plans and decisions all alone. Christ is there with us, by our side every step of the way. He loved us so much He died for us. 

"God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

-- John 3:16 NIV

Which Side Has Greener Grass???

I haven’t written a post in a very, very, very long time. However, there comes a time when all good things must end… well at least the silence that is.

Lately, I have become more aware on how caught up (as a society, family, and individual) in earthly things we have become- myself included. How we are more worried in our day to day activities, from the workloads at school/work, to what’s for dinner- leftovers of course, to what didn’t get done that still needs to get done. Even through all these other “things” that preoccupy our mind God is still with us, still by our side just waiting for us to call on him. At the same time, we still put it upon ourselves that we must solve all of these problems and the rest of the world’s problems on our own accord- without any help. Yet, God sits, waiting, quietly and patiently for us to leave these cares and worries behind and make the choice to call out to Him and to include him in these daily activities while also setting time aside for Him (maybe before these other occupations are all said and done). As a mother, I put my children first 24/7. The children get fed, clothed, bathed, and read a story too for bed, often before we can change clothes or grab a bite to eat for ourselves. Our children’s needs are essential and our important, but so are we, and while there may seem like a sense of guilt or fear that by spending five minutes to change out of work clothes we are “neglecting” our duties to our children, we still need to take the time for ourselves without those thoughts our fears.

In life we all have choices- choices we make on our own and choices that we are forced to make because of other circumstances around us. Either way these choices impact us greatly- from who we are today and who we will be. Almost two years ago I made the choice to let God write my love story. To hand over the pen to Him and trust that in his timing and His way He would help prepare me for the man He wanted me to meet- even if that day never came. See before that date and time I also had to make several other choices which included leaving an unhealthy marriage, starting life over again, and if I wanted to “punish God” for Him putting me into those circumstances when I thought my previous marriage was where I was supposed to be (a choice I had also made three years prior to it ending). While “punishing God” was never the option it was a thought that crossed my mind, but what purpose would it serve? Running away from Him wouldn’t solve and erase the issues before me, nor would they have presented the answers I was so desperately searching for.

There were many dark times in between the choice of leaving my marriage and the choice of Handing the Pen over to God. I struggled for years on even finding an equal balance and “justifying” my decisions. Some days it seemed like God didn’t even care, that He wasn’t listening, and that I never was going to find an end to the pain, heartbreak, and sadness I faced day in and day out. While other days, it felt I was as close to Him as my children sitting next to me while reading a bedtime story. And yet, just like the choices we make God also made choices for Himself and for us. He choose to die on the cross, to sacrifice His own life to save us from our sins…. Not His… OURS! He choose the time and date He wanted to place us on this Earth so that we would be worthy of fulfilling His plans in our lives: 

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” – Jeremiah 1:5.

No one said walking with Christ was going to be easy. He did not deny the struggles, sufferings, and persecution we would face. Even today in the 21^st Century living a life in Christ’s eye is not easy. There are so many distractions and misconceptions media interprets what “life should” be today, and what “life should be” in God’s eyes. While there are many godly men and women around us, living up to God’s Will is not just a Sunday thing, but something that we must do every day of the week. Even when we are pressured to accomplish the day-to-day activities around us, who will win out Society or God? How we choose to live our life during those moments, how we reveal ourselves to strangers, our friends, and our families are all choices we make. So do you say you’ll live God’s way on Sunday and societies way Monday through Saturday or do we always strive to make the choice to put God first… even if that means going against society, our family, our friends???? Before you act, before you make that choice. Pray to God for guidance and clarity on if you're following His Will or your own will. 

“When you compare what you have too what someone else has than you will never, ever be happy! Be grateful for the blessings and gifts that come your way and spread your happiness and joy to those around you. Just remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side.”

-- Anonymous

I Keep on Waiting...

--- I originally began writing this post in January... I guess time got away from me. Better late than never though. ---

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we're waiting for."

Often times I find myself around the beginning of the new year reflecting on all the things I accomplished, didn't accomplish, and had hoped would have happened by now. However, at the same time... no matter how often I try to "plan" things out. God always seems to have other plans. Before Christmas I made a promise to myself that I would not focus on anything but furthering my relationship with Christ. Having been busy and hectic for the last couple of months, it can become very difficult to stay focused on the long term goals and desires we have set for ourselves. Not to mention, the desire to find that special someone had taken hold of my heart even more than before. Maybe it was the Christmas season or maybe God was beginning to open my heart for good things yet to come in this New Year. 

The past three weeks I have been provided the opportunity to grow deeper in my faith and commitment with God. Through a good friend, I have been able to rekindle my relationship with God (despite the hectic activities of day to day life). Last night I was reminded about why I choose to write about this journey, this season in my life. When the time comes for me to meet that special person, I want to be able to share with Him all the thoughts and feelings I experienced along the way. In addition, I pray and hope that through my journey and commitment to Hand Over the Pen to Christ  that it would allow the two of us to know fully how loved Our Creator is and how our lives were knit together even before we first met. After all, what girl doesn't want a fairy tale love story to one day share with her friends, family, and daughters. 

Thus, bringing me to another point. I know different people have their own opinions on this issue of dating, but to me, I want to step beyond the realm of dating and into the realm of courting. Basically courting is the idea of entering into a relationship with the idea that, through God's Will, marriage will be the ultimate goal. That does not mean that one has to commit themselves to marriage right away, but I do feel that it is important to be open to the idea of marriage from the beginning (others may not, this is just my opinion). There are many different views of courtship, but one has to find the right one for them and their significant other. It must be a conversation between the two persons, and not forced on one person by another. And while this isn't always the ideal thing for everyone, I feel this is where I am meant to be. I have had my ups and downs and struggles in life. We all have, but at the same time it is through those adventures that make us who we are today. And brings us to where we are in life now. I don't want to date someone because it's what people "my age" should be doing. I want to find someone who shares in the same values and beliefs about life and Christ as I do. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord" --- Proverbs 18:22

I think this quote says it all " I believe that the most important single thing that you will ever do in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority." When we seek the Lord and observe His plans unfolding in our lives, we are filled with Joy. For when we take the time to know the Lord and to find blessings through him than we can easily accept the Will He has for us. But when we try to do things on our own and to make our own decisions, we often become easily lost, frustrated, and confused- often filled with unknown feelings and concern about which direction to turn. 

It is so easy to get lost in the day to day festivities and remember all the good things that are happening around us. And even when we think we are on the right path, the moment we fail to take His Will for us into account is the moment that even when we are doing His Will...we can't do it without Him. For we will also need to to be there to catch us when we jump that leap of Faith and when we fail. And we are human... we are going to fall. But what we do and what we learn from those memories and moments is the ultimate lesson in life. Nothing in life is easy. He died on the cross for our sins and to save us. Christ paid the ultimate price for us, and even to this day... He still has a plan for us and where He wants us to go... Today... Tomorrow... Ten Years from now....

Happy New Year!!!

This evening, as I walked into church I saw the Advent wreath and candle lit at the foot of the altar.  I was reminded about the importance of keeping watch and staying alert. Tonight it dawned on me that this weekend marked the beginning of the Advent season and a new liturgical year. Had I not been so caught up in my own issues and the day-to-day events of life I would have realized the importance of this time of year, and the importance of having Faith. Each year it seems that the Advent and Christmas seasons sneak up faster and faster. As a result, this time of year brings laughter and joy, while for other’s it brings back memories of Christmas’ pasts, or memories of those who cannot be with us because they are blessed to share Christmas with Christ himself everyday.

           This week I had been so caught up in my own little world, with the worries of work and day-to-day life that I failed to stop and see all the wondrous things God had laid before me. Being so caught up in my own world I had shut myself out from the peace and answers He was trying to show me. Yes, sometimes things don’t always work out the way it was plan or how or when we plan it, but then again life would have been a lot different if I had previously stuck to the original plan. When I try to take matters into my own hands I find myself so consumed and unhappy with what I have accomplished, that I am never satisfied. Had I not awakened from my senses I would have missed the beginnings of a new friendship, conversations with my students, and birthday celebrations. For as Luke 21:34 states:"Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy." Which is why it is important for us not to become drowsy, but to take time out... even in the busiest moments of the day to recharge our batteries and have faith that there is nothing more (work, relationships, and the daily moments of life) that Christ can't handle. After all "Faith is a vital act; it commits one person to another forever...".

             No matter what the reason, the season of Advent and the season of Christmas are gentle reminders that Christmas is not about the worries, the wants, the money, the stress, and the presents. Instead, this season is a time to remind us that God is always with us; He is always present and constant in our lives, even when we aren't  No matter how much of our life we try to plan out, His plans are much greater than ours--- exceeding all my previous hopes and expectations. So, as this New Year begins I am going to make the resolution to do my best to keep the Faith--- through thick and thin. Yes, this past year wasn't everything I had hoped it would be. And while I wish I had a handsome earthly Prince to sweep me off my feet by now, there have been so many more blessings given to me by my heavenly prince that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't handed over the pen to Christ at the beginning of the year. To refuse Christ the opportunity to bless me in more ways than I could imagine, is like refusing a child to share in the spirit of Christmas. This past year I began the journey of becoming a foster parent, accomplished new challenges I had once ran away from, and rekindled my relationship with Christ and love. In the end, while things still didn't happen the way I planned, I have learned that it is important to remain vigilant and keep watch. For none of us know the hour or the time when God's blessings will bestow upon us. And if we fail to pay attention, we will miss out on the greatest gift of all. The Faith to believe there is something great, someone great out there for all of us... we just have to take a moment to slow down and listen. God will use our hearts to guide us where we need to be and show us what we need to do through His love and mercy for us!

Lean on Me...

It's been awhile... 

There is never a perfect time for things to happen, but then there is God's time.

Lately, I have been struggling a lot with questions about the choices I've made and how it's impacted my relationship with Christ. Every time it seems like I get closer to finding out an answer to one of my questions, more questions seem to arise or things just seem to fall apart even more. These questions and struggles with God's calling for my life have become stronger over the last few weeks. Which only means He is at work doing something, but with what I have yet to figure it out... and did I mention that it's driving me CRAZY!?!?!!? However, that also means I need to continue to lean on Him and trust that He knows what He is doing. 

Today, in church and in prayer this morning, I was reminded of the profound impact Christ has on my life and yours. Basically... I wouldn't be here today without Him. With God I can't do anything, but with Him and through Him the impossible becomes possible! In all these questions and arguments I've been having with God, He is still in control. As I discovered this morning when reading Hebrews 12:2 that Jesus is the author or pioneer and perfecter of my faith. 

"...looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God."

--- Hebrews 12:2

He has already planned everything out for me, even before I was created the day He died for me on the cross. And yet for weeks I have sought answers to questions that almost are completely impossible in my eyes... and He also has the ability to make the impossible... possible. I am a planner. While I have learned to accept some spontaneous moments, I prefer to have things planned out. To know the details, when, where, and what time... even for a simple trip to the movies or the store. When I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going I get very nervous. Through this journey I have really had to work hard to let go of the wheel of my life, hand over the pen, and let God take full control. It hasn't been an easy journey. There have been lots of moments of anxiety and questions galore... but at the same time there is a sense of peace in knowing that He's looking down on my with Love, wanting the best for me, planning the best for me... even things I cannot see. 

I know all things happen in His timing, I just wish it didn't take so long. And yet, all that He has promised me through His Word is alive and active.

"Indeed, the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword."

--- Hebrews 4:12

Through it all, I feel Him calling me to be open. To trust in Him and to be willing and ready to take that next step when He calls. God has the power to soften even the hardest of hearts and turn water into wine... then He definitely has the power to answer my many questions. If He can do that He can to begin to open the doors of communication between me and the one He wills for me. Who, what, and when... well that still remains a mystery. As in all things through God. Everything remains in His hands and His timing. As Romans 8:12 says, " We know that all things work together for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." He is definitely calling me and opening my heart to ideas and doors I thought I had closed and locked three years ago; He has a way of tugging on those heart strings of ours until we willingly give in to His will. He lights fires in our hearts and calls us to question Him as a way of drawing closer to Him. While, I may not be who I once was... I am the person He is planning for and calling me to be. And maybe one day I will be like the wife in Proverbs 31... with His works and His plans. You never know! For now I have a few more fears and mountains to overcome, but God has definitely shown me that through His planning even the impossible can become possible. 

As the song Only a Mountain goes... "This is only a mountain. Just a little bit of faith can change it all!"

Just Loaves and Fishes

How does Jesus feed you? This past week was definitely a time for reflection for me, as I was confronted with many unexpected issues. Over the weekend I found myself reflecting on the Bible story of the little boy who brought Jesus a small basket of barley bread and a few fish. I know many of us have heard the story of how Jesus turned a few fish and loaves of bread into enough food to feed thousands, with more left over to spare. But have you ever thought of what it meant for the little boy to hand over his possessions to Jesus, not knowing what Christ would do or if anything would become of his meal? Have you ever thought about what thoughts were going through this child's head, as he stood before the Messiah, feeling the pressure of the disciples around him to hand over his food? 

I'll admit, I never gave the little boy in this Gospel story a second thought, until now, but more importantly after hearing the sermon this past weekend. How frightened the little boy might have been when asked to hand over his meal to the disciples and Christ. When you think about it barley bread at this time was seen as bread a poor person would eat, and the fish in the boy's basket were small, nothing fancy. And yet, the boy chose to trust in Jesus, to hand over his basket knowing that everything would be okay. 

 "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand, satisfying the desire of every living thing."

---Psalm 145:15-16

Something to also keep in mind about this Gospel passage, is that at this time of the day, Jesus and the apostles were returning from spreading the Word of God throughout the area. You can imagine how tired Jesus and the apostles were, and as the sun was setting I'm sure dinner was definitely on their mind. And yet, the crowds find them, drawing closer to them. Despite the persistence of the twelve to send the crowds somewhere else to lodge and eat for the night and prepare for the Passover, Jesus, without question, denies the request of the twelve and urges the apostles to find food for the crowd. 

"When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, 'This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.' Jesus said to them, 'They need not go away; you give them something to eat'."

--- Matthew 14:15-16

 So what does all of this have to do with me 2000+ years later. No matter where are, where we go, or what we do, the hand of the Lord will always be there to feed us. He answers all our needs. The little boy could have chosen not to hand over his basket of bread and fish, but instead he choose to help out even though he didn't quite understand how the Lord would remember him and answer his needs with all these other people around. At the beginning of the summer I was enlightened by God's Will for my life to hand over the few prized possessions I had and give everything I had to follow Him. Even in my relationships with others, where I felt He wanted me to be, I was guided to give it all up and follow Him, knowing in the end it would bring me much closer and much more dependent on the Lord.

I can't begin to put into words how much of a difference time and focus on Him this summer has greatly impacted me. I'll be honest, there were times when I fell, still times I do, and times I've made mistakes, but He was always there by my side to pick me up and guide me towards the will and the direction of my life. It hasn't been an easy journey. Nobody ever said it would be. However, reflecting on this time I find myself more patient than before, not getting as frustrated when things don't go "my" way, and open-minded to seeing how God can use people to change me and me to change others. And yes there were times when I was wondering where in the world I was going, because it really felt like nothing had changed. But now as I look back on it all, as I'm sure the young boy in this Gospel story did, Christ knows what we need, what He is doing, even if we can't see the changes happening overnight. For sometimes, even the smallest thing, can have the biggest impact on our life.  

"All your lessons cannot be learned with difficulty, and this was needed to teach you a lesson... So to attain peace quickly in your surroundings, as well as in your hearts, learn your lesson quickly."

--- God Calling Devotional

We should never lower our standards when it comes to trusting in God and fulfilling His Will for us in our lives. When I handed over the pen to Him to write my life's story, I knew there would be many lessons He would desire for me learn; all of these lessons with the mindset that they would be used to help prepare my heart for His love, Ministry, and purposes, all to give me the future he desires me to have. God called me to be obedient to him "just as Abraham 'believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.' Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham." (Galatians 3:6-7). There will always be those around us who will not be able to believe without seeing. For even in the Gospel story of Jesus feeding the thousands of people, you have the apostles who did not believe how far a few fish and loaves could go in feeding the thousands. And yet, there were exactly 12 baskets of food leftover, almost like doggie bags for each apostle to take home with him that night. John's Gospel account of this event, even goes on to say what the people began to think and do upon seeing the actions of Christ, "So they gathered them up, and from he fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they began to say, 'This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world'." (John 6:13-14). But before they could respond, Jesus, knowing they were coming for Him, left. It wasn't until the next day when the people found Him again, that He told them what the should be searching for. "Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For it is on him that God the Father has set his seal" (John 6:27). We can choose to live our whole life looking for signs to believe, as Thomas did, but in the end we need to learn that Jesus will also be the hand that feeds us, who answers all our needs; we need to believe in Him and His Will for us in our life without searching for the signs of what is to come. If we are always looking for the signs of what is to come, we will miss out on what He has laid before us in our path. For even in Christ's day there were people who saw Him, saw His signs and still did not believe. 

"It is written in the prophets, 'And they shall all be taught by God.' Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me. Not that anyone has seen the Father except the one who is from God; he has seen the Father. Very truly, I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life."

---John 6:45-48

I had no idea all the plans Christ had in store for me over this past summer, nor do I know the plans He has in store for me for the future. I do know however, that He has taught me many things, and through these lessons He has helped me in so many ways by strengthen in my beliefs to trust in Him and His Will for my life. Who better to hand over the Pen to than Him. The changes did not happen over night, but just like the little boy, I have learned to fully place my trust in Jesus Christ. I can only begin to wonder what He has in store for the next chapter of my life! How far will the loaves and fishes continue to multiply with Him in charge? Who knows, but I cannot wait to see what His future and His Will for me holds!