Just Loaves and Fishes

How does Jesus feed you? This past week was definitely a time for reflection for me, as I was confronted with many unexpected issues. Over the weekend I found myself reflecting on the Bible story of the little boy who brought Jesus a small basket of barley bread and a few fish. I know many of us have heard the story of how Jesus turned a few fish and loaves of bread into enough food to feed thousands, with more left over to spare. But have you ever thought of what it meant for the little boy to hand over his possessions to Jesus, not knowing what Christ would do or if anything would become of his meal? Have you ever thought about what thoughts were going through this child's head, as he stood before the Messiah, feeling the pressure of the disciples around him to hand over his food? 

I'll admit, I never gave the little boy in this Gospel story a second thought, until now, but more importantly after hearing the sermon this past weekend. How frightened the little boy might have been when asked to hand over his meal to the disciples and Christ. When you think about it barley bread at this time was seen as bread a poor person would eat, and the fish in the boy's basket were small, nothing fancy. And yet, the boy chose to trust in Jesus, to hand over his basket knowing that everything would be okay. 

 "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand, satisfying the desire of every living thing."

---Psalm 145:15-16

Something to also keep in mind about this Gospel passage, is that at this time of the day, Jesus and the apostles were returning from spreading the Word of God throughout the area. You can imagine how tired Jesus and the apostles were, and as the sun was setting I'm sure dinner was definitely on their mind. And yet, the crowds find them, drawing closer to them. Despite the persistence of the twelve to send the crowds somewhere else to lodge and eat for the night and prepare for the Passover, Jesus, without question, denies the request of the twelve and urges the apostles to find food for the crowd. 

"When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, 'This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.' Jesus said to them, 'They need not go away; you give them something to eat'."

--- Matthew 14:15-16

 So what does all of this have to do with me 2000+ years later. No matter where are, where we go, or what we do, the hand of the Lord will always be there to feed us. He answers all our needs. The little boy could have chosen not to hand over his basket of bread and fish, but instead he choose to help out even though he didn't quite understand how the Lord would remember him and answer his needs with all these other people around. At the beginning of the summer I was enlightened by God's Will for my life to hand over the few prized possessions I had and give everything I had to follow Him. Even in my relationships with others, where I felt He wanted me to be, I was guided to give it all up and follow Him, knowing in the end it would bring me much closer and much more dependent on the Lord.

I can't begin to put into words how much of a difference time and focus on Him this summer has greatly impacted me. I'll be honest, there were times when I fell, still times I do, and times I've made mistakes, but He was always there by my side to pick me up and guide me towards the will and the direction of my life. It hasn't been an easy journey. Nobody ever said it would be. However, reflecting on this time I find myself more patient than before, not getting as frustrated when things don't go "my" way, and open-minded to seeing how God can use people to change me and me to change others. And yes there were times when I was wondering where in the world I was going, because it really felt like nothing had changed. But now as I look back on it all, as I'm sure the young boy in this Gospel story did, Christ knows what we need, what He is doing, even if we can't see the changes happening overnight. For sometimes, even the smallest thing, can have the biggest impact on our life.  

"All your lessons cannot be learned with difficulty, and this was needed to teach you a lesson... So to attain peace quickly in your surroundings, as well as in your hearts, learn your lesson quickly."

--- God Calling Devotional

We should never lower our standards when it comes to trusting in God and fulfilling His Will for us in our lives. When I handed over the pen to Him to write my life's story, I knew there would be many lessons He would desire for me learn; all of these lessons with the mindset that they would be used to help prepare my heart for His love, Ministry, and purposes, all to give me the future he desires me to have. God called me to be obedient to him "just as Abraham 'believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.' Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham." (Galatians 3:6-7). There will always be those around us who will not be able to believe without seeing. For even in the Gospel story of Jesus feeding the thousands of people, you have the apostles who did not believe how far a few fish and loaves could go in feeding the thousands. And yet, there were exactly 12 baskets of food leftover, almost like doggie bags for each apostle to take home with him that night. John's Gospel account of this event, even goes on to say what the people began to think and do upon seeing the actions of Christ, "So they gathered them up, and from he fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they began to say, 'This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world'." (John 6:13-14). But before they could respond, Jesus, knowing they were coming for Him, left. It wasn't until the next day when the people found Him again, that He told them what the should be searching for. "Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For it is on him that God the Father has set his seal" (John 6:27). We can choose to live our whole life looking for signs to believe, as Thomas did, but in the end we need to learn that Jesus will also be the hand that feeds us, who answers all our needs; we need to believe in Him and His Will for us in our life without searching for the signs of what is to come. If we are always looking for the signs of what is to come, we will miss out on what He has laid before us in our path. For even in Christ's day there were people who saw Him, saw His signs and still did not believe. 

"It is written in the prophets, 'And they shall all be taught by God.' Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me. Not that anyone has seen the Father except the one who is from God; he has seen the Father. Very truly, I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life."

---John 6:45-48

I had no idea all the plans Christ had in store for me over this past summer, nor do I know the plans He has in store for me for the future. I do know however, that He has taught me many things, and through these lessons He has helped me in so many ways by strengthen in my beliefs to trust in Him and His Will for my life. Who better to hand over the Pen to than Him. The changes did not happen over night, but just like the little boy, I have learned to fully place my trust in Jesus Christ. I can only begin to wonder what He has in store for the next chapter of my life! How far will the loaves and fishes continue to multiply with Him in charge? Who knows, but I cannot wait to see what His future and His Will for me holds! 

Guilty or Not Guilty... That is the Question

We all know the hour and time will come when we have to stand before Christ and atone for our sins. This past weekend, I think many of us were more reminded about how quickly Our Lord can call us home, even at the most unexpected times. The shootings in Auro, Colorado left many questioning why someone would let bad things happen to good people. Growing up I have always prayed for the protection of those I love dearly. Even going on car trips I always found myself saying a silent prayer that we would arrive safely and that the Lord would keep us safe from harm. But yet, even as I placed my trust and safety in the Lord's hands, deep down inside a part of me still knew that if the Lord saw fit to call me or one of my family members home that day, who was I to stop him? 


With all the stories and information coming out of Colorado,  I found myself reliving the life and stories of Mary Magdalene. Even my daily devotions seemed to relate back to stories of Mary's life. While some information is known about Mary's relationship of Jesus, much of it still remains a mystery to me. At a young age, Mary Magdalene appeared before Jesus while He was eating at a Pharisee's house, Simon. The story describes Mary not by name, but by the fact that she was a sinner. 

"And a woman in the city, who was a sinner, having learned that he was eating in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster jar of ointment. She stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet with her tears and to dry them with her hair. Then she continued kissing his feet and anointing them with the ointment." 

Luke 7: 37-38

At that time, the alabaster jar of ointment was considered an object of great value. Here was a woman, who took her greatest possession, broke it, and used the oil to anoint Jesus's feet. She was so overcome with love and compassion for this man and His Word. And yet, even though Luke describes her as a sinner, she did not let her fears or the thoughts what others might say about her actions stop her from kneeling before His feet and anointing them with the oil. Despite her sins, she took a risk, one that Jesus greatly rewarded her for, even if Simon did not agree. 

"You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which were many, have been forgiven; hence she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little."

--- Luke 7:46-47

How great it is that if we truly atone for our sins, we can kneel before Christ's feet and be forgiven for our sins. If we truly believe in His Word and what He has done for us, our faith can save us from our sins. Even though He was perfect, He chose to take the guilty verdict for us. 

"The Lord has a plea against His people"

--- Micah 6:2

When God chose to die on the cross for our sins, He chose to plea for our case and sign the papers acknowledging our sins as His own, and give up His own life for us, just so we could be "Not Guilty". How great is His love for us. This reminds me of the song by Citizen Way "Should've Been Me". 

I've read the story
I've seen the movie
I give to charity
And tithe my ten percent
These I remember
But I so easily forget
All these years never heard it like this

It should've been me
It should've been us
Should've been there hanging on a cross
All of this shame
All of these scars
Should've been stains that were never washed
Why do I hide
Why do you try
Over and over and over again
I guess it just leaves saying thank God
It leaves me saying thank God, thank God
For the should've been

Christ did not have to do give His life for us. To take the verdict for us, and yet He did so freely and with such Love. Nor did He have to choose to forgive us or Mary of her sins. And yet, through all of this I love how God continues to ignite and show us that His love and actions, more than 2000 years ago, is all apart of a bigger plan. I'm sure those in the Pharisee's house had no idea of how far Christ would go for us in the days to come. And even after her sins had been forgiven, Mary continued to follow her heart, to follow Christ and offer her life up to Him. Her love and compassion was so great, that Jesus choose to be the first person to appear to Mary Magdalene when he rose from the dead. 


I think all of this should be a reminder for us to realize how we should act when promoted by Christ's love for those around us, friends, family members, even complete strangers. Regardless of how they treat us, their reputation, or the sins they have committed they are as much as worthy to knowing and receiving Christ's love as we are. Which is why it is our job to help share Christ with them in a loving and compassionate manner. I can only hope that I continue to be a model of Christ's love to others, with the courage to live my life like He did, using my love and offerings (both big and small) to help bring about His eternal plans for us. For when my time does come to stand before Him I hope and pray that I can say I have done well to make Him proud of me. For even though the temptation to sin will always be there, I hope that through my actions of love and mercy will outweigh the sins I've committed. But until that time, I also know how I choose to life my life and the decisions I make will greatly impact the guilty or not guilty verdict. What choices will you make? What will your verdict be? Will you be guilty or not guilty when you stand before the throne of Christ and atone for your sins? It is never too late to change for Him. All He wants is to love you and bring your closer to a life with Him. After all, His plea for us is to come closer to Him, rely on Him, and truly experience how much He loves us!!! 

Rolling With the Punches

Rolling with the punches... that's just how it has to be, today anyways! Sometimes I just have to learn to accept things the way they are, instead of fixing it or perfecting it, because eventually it may fix itself "maybe". So today is just one of those days where I am reminded of how things can quickly change, whether I like it or not. Oh and did I mention I learned all of this over the past few hours from my lawn mower!?!?! Yup!!! The good ol' Snapper Lawn Mower has taught me a life lesson. :)


I am a very independent person, naturally. I've always been told this growing up, and I guess it's because I had to learn how to do things on my own without an older brother or sister to show me the way. Yep! Being the oldest allowed me to cut the grass and blaze the trails of life for my younger brothers along the way. Needless to say being the oldest had its advantages growing up. I got to drive first, I got to ride the roller coasters at Six Flags first, etc., etc.,. Now as much as I love being the oldest there are times I wish I had, had someone to fall back on to ask questions or state my concerns about those "big" issues we all face during our adolescent years. Instead, I just had to jump feet first with it all and roll with it. 


Where I live, it is essential one takes good care of their yard every week: mowing, weeding, edging, pruning bushes, and so on. When I first moved in, I had to depend on my new neighbors to help me out because I did not have the necessary tools to complete these jobs. Now that I have been here awhile, I have slowly built up my lawn tools collection :). Having to rely on my neighbors caused me to become dependent on their needs and willingness to help me out. I'll never forget the first time I mowed my grass, I wanted all my neighbors to see I could finally do it myself. And while I greatly had appreciated their help, I didn't need any more. I was on my own. However, I was soon faced with the situation that I could not edge my yard just yet. One day I came home from a friend's house and found that my neighbor, trying to help, had edged part of my driveway without my permission. Well, this sent me into a furry. I got so frustrated I almost went out a bought myself an edger. After awhile, I calmed down, only then I realized that he knew my situation and was just trying to help me out while I was saving money to buy an edger. 


So anyways, back to today's event with the lawn mower. I have a good size yard to mow. The front isn't too hard, but the back yard takes some work. Having been neglected for so long, the back yard has a lot of stumps, rocks, and other outdoorsy things that have all become entwined within the grass. I had just about completed the whole yard when I ran over something mysterious (I blame it on a branch that fell out of a tree from a storm earlier in the week) and the lawn mower cut off. In my attempt to restart it, I realized the pull string would not budge (yes I get my exercise from mowing my lawn with a push mower). Upon further examination and discussions with my dad I realized the entire blade underneath was bent and basically my mower and I am out of commission until I get it fixed. Immediately, I began to think of what others would say when the grass grew to high. Because of my independence, I do not like to ask for help if I can do it myself. If I did, how can I prove that I am capable of fixing things? Of accomplishing tasks? It's times like this when I do wish I had someone to help me, who knew my strengths and weakness, and   could help take this matter into his own hands (I know girls are complicated enough- I like to be independent, but I don't always like to be in charge). Instead, I am now in the process of having to find a way to fix the mower. I do not have the right tools to accomplish the job, so I know I'll be adding to my toolbox this weekend. Yet, that still does not guarantee I can get the blade off by myself. If only I wasn't so blind and was paying better attention to what I was mowing... I could have prevented this and not be in this situation. Now, its a done deal and I just have to roll with it whether I like it or not. 


With all this said and done, I realized, while eating lunch and still reflecting on the mower incident, that when we choose to walk with Christ we still have to trust in him, even when we cannot see where He is leading us. Sometimes, that even  means taking us out of the elements we are comfortable with. For me it means I must rely on someone else helping me to fix my mower. We are at our weakest points when we are faced with a new surrounding or issue, and yet, these are the moments that we are able to grow the most in if we let Him. It is through His plans and His timing for us that He reveals and helps us accept and overcome our fears with being out of our elements. 


Paul even mentions this in his letter to the Colossians:

"I want their hearts to be encouraged and united in love, so that they may have all the riches of assured understanding and have the knowledge of God's mystery, that is,

 Christ himself."

---Colossians  2:3

In other words, Paul is stating that God is the fullness of all security and mystery we need and that He will meet our emotional and mental needs if we trust in Him. If we fail to trust in Him and rely on Him, how can we truly experience the glory He has in store for us. No one said this was going to be easy. Even Christ said we'd have to pick up our Cross and follow Him, even if that means stepping out into the unknown and just rolling with the punches. Because when we are out of our element... fully trusting in Him... then the blinders come off and we are able to fully see is Glory. Until then, He can speak and preform miracles in front of us, but if we never see His glory we will always be blind to His glory and deaf to what He wants to tell us. 

Even if I do not have someone to physically to turn too at this moment, I know I have many good friends and family who will help me, if I allow them. All I have to do is ask. Just like all I have to do with Him to open my eyes and my heart and ask for His help and guidance, even when things do not seem like they are going my way.  And through it all Christ will be with me, by my side, shining the light along the way. Who better to be there for me while I roll with the punches of life and the well the life of my lawn mower :). No one says God doesn't work in mysterious ways. I guess He wanted to remind me of who truly was in charge today! 

"For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, and I rejoice to see your morale and the firmness of your faith in Christ"

--- Colossians 2.5

21 Questions

I am human, there is no doubt about that. And while I do my best to stay optimistic (I like my glass 1/2 full) during my season of singleness, sometimes its hard not to feel frustrated and to begin to question God's plan for my life... wondering why everyone around me is happily married or starting a family and I'm not. If only I borrowed the pen from His hand for just a moment to change a few words here and there, to script  my own line or two of my story... but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Anyways, I guess I should start from the beginning. It all started this afternoon when I was talking to one of my neighbors. I really have not meet this neighbor before, but he had ventured over onto my property and well... I was a little curious as to what he was up too. So I went out and we got to talking about this and that.     He is an older gentleman who definitely has a strong faith in Christ. Anyways, as we were conversing he asked me if I was married. And lately, this question has come up a lot over the summer in other various forms (i.e. Why don't you have a boyfriend? What about going out with so and so? Do you believe you'll ever get married again? etc). And while his question meant no harm, I was momentarily tempted to 1. change the subject and avoid the question all together and 2. lie and say I was married to avoid the next response I knew he would mention. You'll be happy to know that I did not follow through with either of the two choices and I took a stance and said "No I wasn't married". Which, as I predicted brought about the following 21 Questions that have seem to become almost routine: "Why not? How old are you? You really should be looking? etc., etc., etc.,". To be honest, this was not the kind of conversation where I would dive right into my full life's story, but I think sometimes when we ask a question and hear a different response than we expect we are tempted to help that person out. It's only natural. 

My neighbor did not know that I have in fact been previously married (something I mentioned when I first started writing this blog), nor did He know in my decision to give up dating until God decided to show me it was the right time for me. (How God plans to do this I still have no idea, but insane as you want to call me... I know it's the right decision for me). So needless to say, that conversation did leave me feeling a little down and frustrated, but I was tempted not to dwell on it. Yet,I also couldn't help taking a moment to ask Christ my 21 Questions: Why is this taking longer than planned? Are you even there? Is this really the lifestyle you want for me? etc., etc., etc.,. For if Christ asked me to give everything up and follow Him, than this was a time when I needed to remain obedient to His will and trust in Him... no matter how tempting that pen in His hand seemed to be. Because even if I were to lose everything tomorrow, I would still have Him and His love for me; that should be enough already. For that is really what it is all about in the end. Yes, as much as I do one day dream to have a house by the lake, with land, children running in the yard, and a husband to share the day's events and my dreams with (a dream I actually gave up on for 3 years, but more on that another time). In the end, God could choose to take all that away from me, like He did with Job, and all I am left with is my own life, faith, and trust in God. No, I am not wishing for God to put me through a series of tests and take everything away from me I've ever known, but maybe these questions are a way of Him to help me acknowledge and reaffirm my faith and trust in Him over everything I've surrendered to Him.

I was later reminded of today's events and my feelings when I was the Gospel of Luke Ch. 8, the story of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue, who had come to Jesus pleading to Him to heal His daughter. I know there are times when we all have become desperate about something in our lives and we just fall to our knees praying, begging Christ that if He answers our prayers we will do this promise or that promise. When their children are sick parents are willing to drop everything to help out their ill child. I truly believe that Christ wants us to come to Him at all times and to seek His help. When are are open, humble, and honest with Christ and how much we need Him, I truly believe He is accepting of our weakness. He knows that even at times like that Jairus went through, or yes even my willingness to fall and overthrow everything I've surrendered to Him, when we are willing to turn to Him as our last hope, to put all our faith in Him He will accept us with arms wide open. He will never leave our side, even if things go His way instead of ours. 

I was also reminded in the book of Sirach about our devotion and duties towards God. 

"You who fear the Lord, trust in him,

and your reward will not be lost. 

You who fear the Lord, hope for good things, 

for lasting joy and mercy....

Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected?

For the Lord is compassionate and merciful;

he forgives sins and saves in time of distress."

-- Sirach 2:8-9, 10c-11

Even when all hope does seem lost, when all that seems left is to grovel at the feet of our Savior, we need to continue to remain hopeful in Him and His plans for us. For He has greater things in store for us, beyond our wildest imaginations! He wants us to trust in Him and to call upon Him during times of praise, but also times of need. He will never abandoned us. Even if it felt like that while talking to my neighbor, I know God has not forgotten about me. He has great things planned for me. However, He also knows that there are times when I need a reminder that this time, this season of singleness, is being used to help prepare my heart and myself for that time, where yes, if He so desires He will bless me with a wonderful, earthly husband! So I guess instead of beating myself up, becoming obsessed, and wondering why everyone else around me seems to be blessed in the many ways I'm not, I should be thankful for the blessings I am given and for the wonderful gift to share my time and faith with those in need. 

"Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his words,

and those who love him keep his ways.

Those who fear the Lord, seek to please him, 

and those who love him are filled with his law.

Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts, 

and humble themselves before him."

-- Sirach 2:15-17

For now, I guess I could say I am married to a wonderful carpenter, a prince who died for me on the cross at Calvary, who will protect me and guide me all the days of my life. Because in the end, He is the one I strive to live my life for day in and day out.