Anyways, I guess I should start from the beginning. It all started this afternoon when I was talking to one of my neighbors. I really have not meet this neighbor before, but he had ventured over onto my property and well... I was a little curious as to what he was up too. So I went out and we got to talking about this and that. He is an older gentleman who definitely has a strong faith in Christ. Anyways, as we were conversing he asked me if I was married. And lately, this question has come up a lot over the summer in other various forms (i.e. Why don't you have a boyfriend? What about going out with so and so? Do you believe you'll ever get married again? etc). And while his question meant no harm, I was momentarily tempted to 1. change the subject and avoid the question all together and 2. lie and say I was married to avoid the next response I knew he would mention. You'll be happy to know that I did not follow through with either of the two choices and I took a stance and said "No I wasn't married". Which, as I predicted brought about the following 21 Questions that have seem to become almost routine: "Why not? How old are you? You really should be looking? etc., etc., etc.,". To be honest, this was not the kind of conversation where I would dive right into my full life's story, but I think sometimes when we ask a question and hear a different response than we expect we are tempted to help that person out. It's only natural.
My neighbor did not know that I have in fact been previously married (something I mentioned when I first started writing this blog), nor did He know in my decision to give up dating until God decided to show me it was the right time for me. (How God plans to do this I still have no idea, but insane as you want to call me... I know it's the right decision for me). So needless to say, that conversation did leave me feeling a little down and frustrated, but I was tempted not to dwell on it. Yet,I also couldn't help taking a moment to ask Christ my 21 Questions: Why is this taking longer than planned? Are you even there? Is this really the lifestyle you want for me? etc., etc., etc.,. For if Christ asked me to give everything up and follow Him, than this was a time when I needed to remain obedient to His will and trust in Him... no matter how tempting that pen in His hand seemed to be. Because even if I were to lose everything tomorrow, I would still have Him and His love for me; that should be enough already. For that is really what it is all about in the end. Yes, as much as I do one day dream to have a house by the lake, with land, children running in the yard, and a husband to share the day's events and my dreams with (a dream I actually gave up on for 3 years, but more on that another time). In the end, God could choose to take all that away from me, like He did with Job, and all I am left with is my own life, faith, and trust in God. No, I am not wishing for God to put me through a series of tests and take everything away from me I've ever known, but maybe these questions are a way of Him to help me acknowledge and reaffirm my faith and trust in Him over everything I've surrendered to Him.
I was later reminded of today's events and my feelings when I was the Gospel of Luke Ch. 8, the story of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue, who had come to Jesus pleading to Him to heal His daughter. I know there are times when we all have become desperate about something in our lives and we just fall to our knees praying, begging Christ that if He answers our prayers we will do this promise or that promise. When their children are sick parents are willing to drop everything to help out their ill child. I truly believe that Christ wants us to come to Him at all times and to seek His help. When are are open, humble, and honest with Christ and how much we need Him, I truly believe He is accepting of our weakness. He knows that even at times like that Jairus went through, or yes even my willingness to fall and overthrow everything I've surrendered to Him, when we are willing to turn to Him as our last hope, to put all our faith in Him He will accept us with arms wide open. He will never leave our side, even if things go His way instead of ours.
I was also reminded in the book of Sirach about our devotion and duties towards God.
"You who fear the Lord, trust in him,
and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the Lord, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy....
Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected?
For the Lord is compassionate and merciful;
he forgives sins and saves in time of distress."
-- Sirach 2:8-9, 10c-11
Even when all hope does seem lost, when all that seems left is to grovel at the feet of our Savior, we need to continue to remain hopeful in Him and His plans for us. For He has greater things in store for us, beyond our wildest imaginations! He wants us to trust in Him and to call upon Him during times of praise, but also times of need. He will never abandoned us. Even if it felt like that while talking to my neighbor, I know God has not forgotten about me. He has great things planned for me. However, He also knows that there are times when I need a reminder that this time, this season of singleness, is being used to help prepare my heart and myself for that time, where yes, if He so desires He will bless me with a wonderful, earthly husband! So I guess instead of beating myself up, becoming obsessed, and wondering why everyone else around me seems to be blessed in the many ways I'm not, I should be thankful for the blessings I am given and for the wonderful gift to share my time and faith with those in need.
"Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his words,
and those who love him keep his ways.
Those who fear the Lord, seek to please him,
and those who love him are filled with his law.
Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts,
and humble themselves before him."
-- Sirach 2:15-17
For now, I guess I could say I am married to a wonderful carpenter, a prince who died for me on the cross at Calvary, who will protect me and guide me all the days of my life. Because in the end, He is the one I strive to live my life for day in and day out.
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